Before & After

I found this blog that I read, about 3 or so months ago. This sweet couple lost their little girl just before she turned two. She was eating an apple and chocked. She writes about experiences and she is so amazing how she writes and lets you in on how she feels. She also has a blog list of other families who have lost children. Last night I found myself crying till 1am reading story after story. I can't imagine what they go through! But each of them are so uplifting and talk about how much there families mean to them and to take each day and each moment in as if it were your last.

A couple of moms wrote about who they were before the "accidents" and now who they are after. In no way am I comparing my life challenges to what they have gone through. But even with finding out Kaleb has Autism - there is a "before" and "After" version of me. Before I cared about shopping and kids clothes, TV shows, family drama things, etc but now "After" Autism - I have a hard time talking to other moms about Clothes etc - now I still like my kiddos cute and still get them things but it isn't the same. I try to act like I care to fit in :) I don't care about TV shows but I do like watching things like sports to get my mind off things - but the drama shows seem very unimportant to me now. I was just reading there stories about losing their children and could relate at some level. Why does it take going through such huge trials to make us grasp on to what really matters? How do we get so lost?

Kaleb is pretty sick today and so I stayed home from Church with him. He slept the whole time. So here I was in a quite house - thinking about the stories I read... I thought about my sweet mother in law who died 4years ago this December, and how losing her was the hardest thing but how somehow that was the Christmas I felt the true meaning of Christmas more then ever. Each family member seemed so close, every moment of just being with family is all that mattered. How did we lose that?

Since finding out Kaleb had Autism - we have had hard times. When we found out it killed us. We cried and cried. We didn't loose our child but we lost the vision of what we thought our lives would be like. We mourned in a sense. But now we are so lucky to find joy in every little thing he does. We notice EVERY step! Every look! And when he is in mischief we laugh! - we don't get mad. I have a hard times - family, ward, etc gatherings are hard. I see EVERY little boy Kaleb's age - I hear them tell there moms that they love them - I can't help it. I want what they have so bad. Things like baptisms are so hard because I don't know if Kaleb wil be able to be baptised one day. But I need to remember that I have my baby boy! I get to hug him and tickle him and teach him new things. Those mom's blogs about losing their babies have really touched me and I felt like sharing. So I know it isn't fast Sunday .... :) but this is my testimony.... I believe everything happens for a reason and I am so grateful for my husband that works so hard to provide for us, he holds us together, and gives us so much safety. I am thankful for my children and how they teach me more then I ever thought possible. Briana is a spit fire - she talks my ear off! She is my best friend that I tell almost everything to. She brings such a fun spirit into our family. Kaleb keeps us hoping and teaches us patients and complete love. When you look in Kaleb's eyes when he smiles it is the most amazing thing. I just want to say how grateful I am for my family and my extended family. And that Heavenly Father knows us and watches over us.

To all of those that have ever lost a child - I can not believe your strength - you amaze me. Thank you to those who share your challenges and let us all learn from you. I hope we will all remember what Christmas is about and that each of us will be a little nicer, a little more caring, and think more about Christ then we do about gifts. Merry Christmas :) I love all of you!